Weekend Musings

My weekend was full of real life commitments and my husband trying to cook me.

Saturday, we drove to my mother's and helped her move into her new house.  Well, I didn't.  I spent my day taking care of my adorable 9 month old nephew.  I haven't spent any time with a child like that, on my own, since my sisters (24 and 22) were that age.  So it was really exhausting for me.  I got home at like 10pm and was asleep by 11, where I slept in until 10:30am.

Sunday, I got up, checked to see if Mog Madness results were up, ate breakfast and went into the backyard to start helping build a fence.  I was outside until 4:30pm.  And dear lord, I look like a lobster.  (I live in Oregon, I'm not used to sunshine!)

We logged on for raid but didn't have the people, so we ran dungeons to get our weekly 7 and then people split up.  Husband went to play tennis (at 7pm, because he's insane) and I stayed home, watched Scrubs and leveled my hunter to level 60!  Goal 1 complete!

The results for Mog Madness popped up around raid time, and that was exciting to see.  I got 5th place, but 5th out of 26(?) is pretty awesome!  So yay me!

I then went to bed.  Where my sunburned brain caused me to have dreams that my husband had impregnated his ex-girlfriend and didn't tell me.  I may have yelled at him when I woke up this morning.  I'm still a little mad.  And I don't understand why!!  I should be mad at me!  Stupid brain.

So, to work.  Away ..... !

Holy Crap! Yay and What if ....

So, somehow I have made it into the last round of Mog Madness.  This has been so much fun, I'm very sad that it's almost over.  I'm working on something but I can't talk about it, of course.  So you'll see when I do!

In other news, I managed to gain quite a few levels this past week.  I got my blood elf warrior to 65 via a combo of leveling and having my husband take me through instances.  I'm too shy to do things on my own and my guildies with toons my level have been on vacation for the past week.  I also managed to get my undead hunter to level 53 and a half (as of this writing).  And lastly, I got my goblin warlock to level 13 so she can get matched up with the husband's new undead priest.

That puts my total levels up to 1955, so I'm almost there!  Only 57 more to go!

And that brings me to what I wanted to write about today.  I'm sure some of you have seen that Amateur Azerothian is quitting the game.  And I want to point out that I truly, truly am 100% behind his reason(s).  Now, before I say anything further, I want to say a couple of things.  What follows is MY story.  It's MY plan for MY life.  This is not me saying ANYTHING about what you should or should not do.

I am the granddaughter of alcoholics.  (Stay with me here, it goes somewhere.)  My mother and father, seeing in themselves the potential to become alcoholics themselves, did not drink AT ALL while I was a young child.  It was only until I was 13 that I ever saw a glass of wine in my father's hand.  It was only after I moved out, that I ever saw my mother with a glass of wine in HER hand.  They had decided, before they had children, that in order to raise my siblings and I the best way they knew how, no alcohol would be allowed in the house and they would only drink a little on their date nights.

My parents (being my parents) seemed to me to be normal.  I know now that what I experienced in my early years was not normal.  My grandparents, well, I thought that everyone had grandparents who started drinking at 8am and passed out after dinner.  As I grew, I found myself having issues similar to my grandparents, except not with alcohol, with other things.

When I met my husband, he ran a BBS.  He taught me to type on the computer, he taught me to 'surf' the BBS's, he gave me my own forum (called the Peanut Gallery since he had nicknamed me Peanut).  I was hooked.  When we moved out, we got DSL.  Which back in the late 1990's was impressive.  A 'fat pipe to the net' is what I believe he called it once.

I met this guy through work (I worked a computer repair shop) who got me and my husband into a MUD called Xyllomer.  (This guy became, and is still, one of my best friends.)  I got into IRC and ICQ.  I would wake up first thing in the morning to see who was online in the MUD/IRC/ICQ.  I was constantly chatting with people.  There are pictures of me at family gatherings scowling because OMG THIS IS MY COMPUTER TIME JUST LET ME LEAVE!!

Then WoW came out.  I started to play and it was very apparent to me that this game is my alcohol.  I can not put it down.  I think about it all the time, I talk about it all the time EVEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T PLAY!!!!  I didn't realize how bad it got until my husband started to play.  I realized then that if he and I ever were to have children, WoW would have to go away.  Note, I did not say video gaming, I said WoW.  And honestly probably any other MMO.

I am happy here and at the moment, I am not hurting anyone (other then myself), neglecting anyone (other then my husband), or whatnot.  However, I know myself and I know how people with this disease (for I believe just like alcoholism, gambling addiction, drug addiction and eating disorders, this is a disease) lie to themselves that you can do it just a little.  No one will notice.  (To have full disclaimer, I am in a 12 step program myself.  However, I won't tell you which one.  But it is helping me.)

However, as I said in a comment to Mr. Amateur, the husband and I have always agreed that if I got pregnant, we would stop playing.  All for the above reasons I've mentioned.  I remember being snapped at by my drunken Grandmother, I don't want to be the mother that snaps at you while she's raiding/leveling/farming or the mother whose face you only see when she turns around to scowl at you because ZOMG you are disturbing her raiding.

Now, this being said, I have played in the past and currently play with parents whose first duties have always been to their children.  I know that I have never, in the past 7 years ever thought to myself "Geez, where are those kids and who is taking care of them?"  This is not about that.  We've all seen the bloggers retiring from WoW because they are having children or their children are growing up.  That is not about that either.

At this point in my life, I am looking at a life of no children (seriously, who would want to pass on my genetic code?).  So this is a moot point.  But, I love children (not for lunch/dinner) and I like to day dream sometimes.  "What if ...."  I don't play it alot anymore since the outlook is pretty bleak for that.

Now, if you are a parent who plays WoW or any other MMO, I am NOT calling you neglectful or lazy or stupid or whatever you think I'm saying.  I honestly don't even have an opinion on what the average parent does with their spare time.  I know that being a parent is a really hard job and I want to thank you for taking it on.  Earthmother knows I can't do it right now!  This is just what I would do, as I know myself.

So, thank you for reading.  And have a good night.

Onto Round 4 and another heroic kill ...

The results for Mog Madness round 3 went up late on Saturday night and JD let me know before he went to bed that the post should be up within an hour.  (Helps to have one of the organizers in your guild!!)  So I opened up his blog and kept F5-ing it until the desired post popped up.  (His son is adorable and I stared at him for like an hour that night.)

There was some fierce competition and I am honored to say I got 2nd place in this round!  Yay!  For this next round we have to use the Tabard of the Illidari (either green or purple) to put something together.  (Ugliest tabard EVER!)  I have a outfit mostly put together for the purple one.  I'm gonna see if I can put together one for the green one and see how it looks and then decide between those two.

During all this planning and thinking, we downed some bosses in Dragon Soul on Saturday evening.  We did our usual heroic Morchok, then moved onto regular Warlord (since heroic makes me want to weep) and THEN did heroic Yor'sahj.  It was one of those times that we were like "Hey, let's make a few shots at this and then we can just move on and head to Firelands."  I think we did 3 or 4 attempts before it just jelled and bam, first kill.  So now we're 3/8 in Heroic DS!

We did the first 4 bosses in DS on Saturday and then moved to Firelands.  We were helping our resto shaman to get the first part of the staff done, the part where you drop all those things under the bosses feet or whatnot.  So we did that and then helped him get the first part of the staff.  After we did that, we cleared a ton of trash and did Shannox's achievement, Bucket List.  This leaves us with 3 achievements to go for our pretty birdy from Firelands, 2 heroic kills that I know we'll get and Alysrazor's stupid achievement.

Other then that, I didn't log into the beta all weekend, though my husband did.  I worked on my blood elf warrior for a bit, did some actual real life house things (like helped put up a fence in the back yard) and made a ton of food for Easter/my mother in law's birthday lunch.  And while this isn't WoW related, I love to cook so here are the recipes I used for the things I made:

Gluten Free Angel Food Cake (was amazing and everyone loved it and what it was made into)
Strawberry Lemon Trifle (took angel food cake and I can't have gluten so I had to make it myself)
Avocado Deviled Eggs (everyone loved these but I hate hard boiled eggs and I'm never making these again!)
Baked Spasanga (this was AMAZING and everyone ate mostly this instead of the 'normal' food.  I made it with corn noodles so it would be gluten free.  In a HUGE dish, I only had 3 servings left over.  Every single person had some.  So 7 adults and 2 small children (2 and 4).)

So yeah.  I hope everyone had a good weekend.  I know I did.  I also got to play my warrior for a bit and she did her 1st dungeon with guildies and also got to level 55!!  Woo!!!

Starting Over

I've been on Blade's Edge for a couple days now.  I do like it.  People are friendly, my guild seems nice (if a little quiet on weekdays) and I'm enjoying starting over.

I'm remaking my alts.  So far I have Roseria (an undead hunter), Annanda (an orc mage), and a couple other level 1 alts that I need to weed out.  I love making alts.  And I love to level alts.  I'm going to make a blood elf warrior so I can see the starting zone there again.  I really haven't played it since BC.  It will be a nice change of pace for me.

In two days, husband and I capped our guild rep for the week.  It took us 50 dailies, 2 Elders and 2 dungeon runs.  (I was actually done before the dungeon runs, I think.)  However, husband has to build up a ret set for his pally.  (He had been healing with our old guild.)

I'm not good with change.  I'm really excited to be here and to move forward but I miss my friends.  I miss my bestie.  I still see her out of game but I miss seeing her name on my RealId and having the option to send her a message when I want.  I suppose I could text her but that's just not the same.  I've relied on this game to interact with people for so long, I don't know how to do it out of game.

My last post, I cried while writing.  I tried to read it to my husband (the man who doesn't read my blog) but I kept choking up and sobbing.  I finally made it through the post but he had to come stand behind me, with his hand on my shoulder as I cried.  (I don't accept traditional comfort when I'm crying.  I don't want to be held, I don't want someone to talk to me.  I want to be left alone where I can cry/grieve in peace.)

So. Now I'm in a new place, with new people.  I'm hopeful and I'm generally happy.  I miss people but that is normal.  There will be new people.  I need to remind myself that I don't have a set number of people I can be friends with.  I can be friends with more.  It's not like Blizz's ignore list.  I can befriend more then 50 people!

I spent some time reading Cynwise's lastest post.  And I loved it.  This is exactly it.  Cynwise GETS it.  And he has the eloquence to get it through to other people.

Characters weigh on my mind. Leveling characters, especially, but character in general. They take up mental space. They have ... presence, even when they're not doing things. I like having them around, I like having them available, I like trying out new things, but ...
Digital things can take up space.

That's it.  Right there.  My brain is filled with my characters.  Each of them are unique and I feel different when I play them.  My druid is the most comfortable but if I'm feeling sassy, I log my priest on.  Who I'm playing says a lot about my mental space.  It is like a canary in a mine.  You can look at it and be 'ah, she's feeling alone or sad or anxious or happy or sexy'.  I love that.

And now I get to start it over and find out what my new characters will bring to me.  What will my undead hunter be like?  My orc mage?  That baby blood elf warrior?  Who will be my favorite?  And do I really need to decide now?

And now what?

I am home sick today.  I came home from work yesterday around 1ish, went to the doctor and found out that 1. my MRI was normal so they don't know what's causing my headaches and 2. I do not have strep throat.  And with that pronouncement, my sore throat went lower and turned into a HORRIBLE cough that causes me to do things I am not comfortable talking about.  However, I do sound like a diesel truck revving up.  So maybe this will attract some country boys?  (Just an option if husband ever leaves!!)

And so, today I got up around 10am, grabbed a bowl of peaches and some water and sat down at my computer to get my rogue those goddamn daggers.  My guildmate (who is about the sweetest girl ever) linked me to this video to get through the city.  She also wrote up a bit huge long list for us to get through it with.  With a second by second guide.

And with that guide, it took me .... 3 hours to get to that dickface Creed.  Where I proceeded to spend over 2 hours more dying to him before I even got him down 10%.  However, I can stealth my way through Gilneas like a freaking PRO bitches.  I don't even have to pause half the time.  I just fly stealth right through there! BAM!

I have got dual spec and made it a sub spec to see if that helps.  Honestly, I think I just need to get her some better gear before I try this.  Either that or have someone standing outside who can buff me as needed.

And also, in a different vein, I am looking for a new guild.  I believe my husband will be coming with me, but he's not really doing a lot right now to show that.  However, it is hard to find a guild that fits what I want.  I don't want 25's and I want to stay Horde.  So, yeah. wish me luck.  I do have a couple feelers out but I don't know what husband thinks.  I'm half afraid he's just going to quit WoW completely.  And I'm not ready for that yet!!

What's up doc?

Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?

Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time!

That's from a Friend's episode from the first season.  And it's pretty much what happens to me often.  So, this is going to be hard to write.  However, I want to give an update on my 2012 in 2012.  But I don't want to just say "I leveled X alt for Y levels" since that doesn't really explain a lot.  So, let's see how I do here.

My husband says that I've been slowly heading toward rock bottom for a couple of months now.  My bipolar disorder, which despite a few flare ups when my medications stopped working properly, has been almost completely 'under control' for the last 2 or 3 years.  However, this summer, one of my medications started giving me a side effect that I could not just over look.  So, the doctor weened me off it and put me on lithium.

At first I seemed to be doing okay, but then, in November, I snapped.  I can't remember what happened or anything but I know I was seriously depressed and the doctor's assistant (the doctor was on vacation) raised my dosage of all my medications to try and make me stable.  Shortly after, I got a headache.  And I am pretty sure I've mentioned that I still have this headache. (On the 30th, it will be 2 months of this headache.)

Anyway, my doctor was unwilling to try and adjust my medication while I had a headache.  So (as my husband says) I've not been medicated properly since about August.  And that is affecting my attitude in a very negative way.

Needless to say I have not (and am not) a pleasant person to be around.  And I get wrapped up in my own head and forget that there are other people around me.

So, that brings us to now.  Some stuff went down this past Friday (as Twitter knows) and as a result, I have been either unable or unwilling (depends on the way my mood flows at that moment) to spend time on my 'home' server.  So, I've been spending my time on my alts that I have scattered through the different servers.

My draenei shaman that I picked up the last time I was hurting got from level 53 to level 60 with minimal playing time. I also made a tauren priest on a completely new server to level with the husband.  We're going to see how long it takes us to get to 85 without heirlooms or anything.  My character made 20 gold by signing a guild charter, so I have a nice little 'nest egg' at the moment.  This priest just reached level 12 and we're currently debating where to go.  I'd like to go to Silverpine because you can totally reach exalted with Undercity that way.

Leveling by yourself on a server where you know no one is lonely.  RealId can only go so far and honestly, since I can't do any outreach on my own, I don't get anyone talking to me.

“Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.” - Isaac Asimov

This quote, to me, is so true.  I can't think through things until I write them down.  So, I've been doing a lot of writing over the past few days.  Most of it in my private journal, most of it in emails to friends who are completely unrelated to this situation.

I have written and deleted this last paragraph about 10 times.  I can't find a way to wrap this up that won't cause problems down the line for others.  So instead, I'll leave you with part of the refrain from Stroke 9's Washin' + Wondering song.

These are my hands, these are my faults
These are my plans
These are my nasty little thoughts
I wrote 'em down for you to contemplate
At a later date

Despite not having time, I guess I still play a lot!

Our missing mage checked in yesterday!  He's doing well.  Just busy with the new baby and his wife and girls.  I'm so happy that he thinks enough of us to check in.

Other then that, I have not been spending a lot of time in WoW.  It's summer so we have weddings, BBQ's, hikes and other things to do.  However, we got into the random dungeon finder yesterday as a group of 4 and ran probably 4-5 regular heroics to get our valor points.  We're now 1 troll heroic away from our weekly cap and sounds like we'll do that tonight when J gets home from tennis.

I suppose I should talk about 'the group'.  It's our guildleader (who happens to be one of my best friends), his wife (who is my resto shaman healing buddy), my husband and myself.  We always ask if anyone wants to come with us, but everyone else had busy things to do, so it was just us.  We picked up a jerk of a mage for our 1st random.  We got almost to the end of Grim Batol, he started being an asshole (yelling at the dps who is putting out more dps then you, while we carry your ass through a heroic is not acceptable) so we kicked him and got a awesome mage who we tried to run some more heroics with.  But her computer crashes after the 1st boss of Lost City of Tol'vir so she left and we got a warlock who was nice and sweet that we ended up running with him for 3-4 more heroics.  He got some nice upgrades, yay!  And we got all the regular heroics we could so our guildleader could get some easy chaos orbs so he can make weapons.

Which is what I want him to do for me.  So I'm all for running heroics with him until he gets the needed chaos orbs.  And of course, I need to get my truegold together.  Luckily, my mage is a transmute specced alchemist!

I also spent my evening, after the heroics, getting my kitty gear enchanted.  I need to get my shaman buddy to make me the BOE epic belt.  Or I could just wait until I'm honored with Avengers of Hyjal.  I don't know what I want yet.  I'll probably wait.  Once I'm all good, I'll switch back to kitty and practice a bit there.

Still doing my Hyjal dailies every day!  We just unlocked the blacksmith.  So now we just have the ancients left!  Quite fun I guess.  As soon as my druid finishes it, I'll start doing the dailies on my priest.  I can't do them at the same time.  I'm too ugh about dailies.  Stupid dailies!