Meltdown

So, I had a melt down during raid last night.  And when I say melt down, I mean sobbing, yelling, crying, the whole nine yards.  Though, I don't think anyone in my guild knew I was crying.  They just knew I was mad/upset or as my husband said this morning 'throwing a tantrum'.

The night started off okay.  We were taking in two new people to 10 man Firelands on normal mode.  We get in there and pretty much one shot everything up to Baleroc, as we usually do.  Now, I had been feeling rather 'hrmph-y' since my co-healer and one of the warlocks started making comments about Staghelm roasting the druids before FireBirdLady.  I know they were being silly, but I heard what they were saying and took it to mean 'All druids need to die'.  Which hurt my tender feelings a bit.  YES, I know it's pixels, but I really wish that Blizz had not had him kill all those druids like that.  It makes me sad every time we go in there.

And to have two of my guildies making jokes about wanting hamburgers from the dead druids, well, apparently I was overly sensitive last night and I took it to heart and nursed my hurt quietly.

Then we get to Baleroc.  We try and wipe, and try and wipe and try and wipe.  One of those time, I was supposed to be healing the tank but something happened and after I innervated myself (having to unselect him)   I tried to reselect him but was unable to actually throw heals on him.  I think what happened was that I was trying to throw a heal on him while I was switching targets and the cast didn't go through.  I'm not 100% sure because it was in the middle of the fight and I was stressed.  What I do know is that by the time I realized I wasn't casting, my tank had died and we wiped.

So, I believe in accepting blame where blame was due, so I admitted to the raid that this wipe was my fault because of the above mentioned conditions.  And here is where the melt down occurs.  My guildies started trying to tell me how to fix it.  I got told the following things: 1. Make a macro to select yourself to innervate you and 2. Innervates are self cast only.  After I told them that I don't like macros, they proceed to talk over me and just tell me how to do it.  And I was told repeated that innervate is self cast only so I don't have to unselect my target to cast it.  Then, when I finally started 'yelling' I.E. talking in all caps in raid chat, along with raid warnings, they flipped it and said 'well, when you innervate someone else you get the same amount of mana as you would if you cast it on yourself'.

By this point, I was in tears and was feeling attacked.  I logged off vent and if my husband hadn't been raid leader, I would have quit the raid, if not the guild.  We had two more attempts on Baleroc, didn't get him down and called it for the night.  I cried the whole rest of the time.  After that, I logged off, found an old server of mine and rolled an alt.  Because, I apparently don't have enough of them.

We have raid again tonight and I just don't know what to do.  I don't want to go.  I'm embarrassed and depressed.  I feel like a burden to my guild and I am just done.  And honestly, I haven't done anything like this since Cata came out I believe.  I don't think I've ever done anything to this extent before.  Apparently my RL problems are affecting me then I thought.  But I don't know.  Ugh.  What a bad time.

So, now I get to pick up the pieces and move on.  I mostly feel bad because we have a new player to the guild and he was one of the ones trying to 'help'.  He has no idea what just happened.  And I really don't want to explain it to him.  Such is my life.